A Bit of Cyn

Playing in the Water, originally uploaded by cynandron.

We went to our friend Dale’s house on Sat. in WI. We spent almost all day at the beach. It was a blast, really. The kids played in the sand and water, went on the boat, found a crayfish and played with it, and enjoyed the other kids that were also there.

They had so much fun that Drew didn’t get a nap until 3 pm when he usually naps at noon. He wasn’t even cranky!

After the beach we went back to Dale’s for dinner and a bonfire. And of course, S’mores! Yum! The kids played with the chickens, ran around his huge yard, found a frog, and watched the older “kids” (adults) ride dirt bikes around.

Ron and I both have some sun burn. I did put stuff on me a couple times, but I either didn’t get it on well enough, or I didn’t put it on early enough. Sophia doesn’t have ANY sunburn (thank god), but Drew has a three inch band on his lower back and a spot on his shoulder. I know how he got his. See, I usually put the sunscreen on the kids while they are naked. That way I don’t miss any spots. Well, Ron put Drew in his swimsuit, then put the lotion on. While we were at the beach, he took his suit off and only had his swim diaper on. That would be the small band that got burned. Still, it makes me so sad! Fortunately it doesn’t seem to hurt much, so I’m thankful for that. But, this is definitely a lesson for us!!

Last night I brought the kids home late at night (it’s a 2 hour drive) while Ron stayed overnight. I got home, got Drew out of the car, still sleeping, walked to our back door and realized the door was locked!! So I go to the car to get my keys, only to remember that my house key was IN the house!

After making some calls (and having Drew screaming), we drove to my parents to spend the night there. I’ve been so tired all day long. I was tired last night when I got home, then had to get the kids to my parents and in bed, and had to share a bed with Drew. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well. Then Drew woke up at 5:45 am. OMG!

Ron woke up early and made his way home. We’ve had a rough day with the kids who were also so tired all day. We were hoping an early nap would solve the attitude problem with the kids. No such luck. Sophia refused to nap, and Drew had a short one. It was no surprise to us (okay, a little) that they were in bed, sleeping by 6:45 pm.

Oh, we also learned that we NEED to have a spare key some where on our property. And, if last night hadn’t happened, we would have had a very nice time!

I love my neighborhood. I may have said that before, but I really mean it. We moved to this house almost 3 years ago. We used to live just a 1.5 miles from here. I insisted that we buy a new house before we had another child. (And wouldn’t you know I got pregnant with Drew just 1 month after moving into this house? LOL) So we did.

We had no idea what this neighborhood would be like. I assumed it would be like our old one where nobody really paid much attention to anyone else. We all just did our own thing.

Life here is nothing like it was there! There are kids all over this block. They range in age, but that adds to the charm, if you ask me. One of our neighbors has a daughter 4 days younger than Sophia, and a son that’s 1 month older than Drew. How perfect, eh? And we like the parents.

Last night, one of our neighbors, who doesn’t even have kids, invited me to dinner with the neighbors I was just talking about. We went to a VERY nice restaurant. I mean, I’m not sure I’ve ever been to such a nice place. It was “friends and family” night, and this particular neighbor’s brother is the dining room manager. So we ate there at 50% off. And seriously, it was just amazing. Great company, great food, great staff. I can’t wait to go back!!

After last night, I find myself thinking how blessed I am to be living in this neighborhood. To have neighbors who are interested in me as a person, and being involved in my life. It’s such an amazing feeling.

A while back I wrote about a friendship that had ended. It was a very hard decision, and one that I thought was the best thing for myself and my family. I have reconsidered.

Ron and I have been in therapy for a while now. During our last session, we talked about this and how hard it has been for me. I wanted to talk about the decision I made, and whether I over reacted or not. During the session I realized she made a decision that would save her marriage. She did what she had to do at the time. While I may not have agreed with her decision, it was hers to make. I also understand that if she had been forthcoming with the information, it may have caused more harm. I really do understand that now.

I received a mass email from her, providing an update on her pregnancy. The email got me thinking even more. I talked with Ron about it, and how sad I still am about not being a part of her life, or her a part of mine. He finally said to me, “Why don’t you just ask her to lunch and see how it goes from there?” And I thought, you know, he’s right. This is silly. I’m so sad about not being her friend. I miss her, I truly do.

So, I put myself out there once again. I sent her an email asking her to lunch. (Though with her baby due May 20, and a possible c-section on May 1, it may not be possible any time soon.) I’m nervous, waiting for her response. I realize there’s a chance she’ll not be ready to repair our relationship. Though I’m hopeful that she will want to repair it. I already know the relationship between her husband and Ron and I will never be repaired. And that saddens me as well.

When’s the last time you put yourself out there, and took a personal risk?

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who had her first baby 3 months ago. Some of you may remember me writing about her; their baby was born with a defect and was in NICU for several weeks. They have been home for two months now, and were ready for visitors. I was so excited to see her and her baby. And, it was so much fun!!

While there (and after I left) I couldn’t help but relive my life as a mom. I thought about my first positive pregnancy test, my first OB appt., my u/s, the first movements, and the birth of my first child. (I also thought about all of these with my second, as well.) Not only did I think about them, I felt them. I felt the nervousness, the joy, the excitement, the fights with DH, the internal talk of “what-if”, “will I be good enough”, and I felt the complete sadness. While the joy and excitement is what I feel/think about every day, yesterday I felt the complete sadness.

After Sophia’s birth, I suffered PPD. But I didn’t recognize/get treated until she was 7 months old. During that time, I cried nearly two times a day. Sophia had reflux, only I didn’t know it for 8 weeks. So I had a baby who cried a lot, wanted to be held, ate all the time, and did I mention cry a lot? Since she was my first, I thought this was normal. Don’t all kids cry all the time, spit up all the time, and want to be held all the time? Don’t they all stay awake for hours in the night crying regardless of what the parents do? I thought so!

I was so tired, so exhausted. I wanted my old life back. I wanted to leave my child with someone and run away. And of course, I felt so guilty thinking this. And that made me feel even worse. I never wanted to be alone with my child, so when Ron returned to work, I would go to my parents daily. I would sit at the door just waiting for Ron to come home so I could hand her off to him. I had a friend who came once a week to just hold her, and be with us. I lived each moment of the day just waiting for someone to rescue me.

Even now, I am so sad about this experience. I am so sad that I refused to get help until she was 7 months old. I was breastfeeding and didn’t want to take anything because I didn’t want her to be effected. But now, I wish I had done something. I wish someone had MADE me do something. (Though I know this wasn’t possible.) For a while I had no idea that I would feel this way. But after having Drew, and knowing how different the experience could be, I started feeling this way.

I know I can’t change history. I can’t change my experience, and I am hopefully that this experience will benefit me, and others, at some point. (I’d hate to think there was no lesson to be learned from it!) But it still makes me sad. I see new moms loving their “new” job, and I feel sad that I didn’t feel that way with Sophia. She deserved better. I deserved better.

My friend is having some of these similar experiences. I’m not sure how much I can/want to talk with her about getting some help/relief. Her husband doesn’t understand her feelings (and really, how could he when so much of it is dictated by hormones?), so she isn’t addressing it with him. I hope she does.

Then, there is a person who was once a very important friend to me. Something in particular happened which caused us to no longer be friends. Even now, it makes me sad. I miss her. I miss her husband. I miss the relationship. But, because of what happened, I just [i]can’t[/i] be her friend. And that is so hard for me. Especially since they are expecting their first child in 6 weeks. It makes me very, very sad.

Conflicting with that sadness, I am angry. What happened was done when Drew was 6 months old. (Those of you who have had a 6 month old understand mom isn’t very confident at this point…for the most part. Or at least, I wasn’t.) So part of me wants to tell her, when her son is 6 months old, to think about what happened to me. Then let me know how SHE feels to have this happen to her when she has a 6 month old. Though, even if this does happen, and she has a better understanding, it wouldn’t change anything. I still wouldn’t be able to get past the hurt. I have forgiven her, told her this as well, but I just can’t move forward in the friendship.

And yet, I still mourn. I mourn the lose of this friendship, the lose of what I [i]thought[/i] first time motherhood would be like. Life doesn’t have any “do-overs”; you might get a second chance, but you don’t get a do-over. So I learn to mourn, to accept those things that I cannot change. I feel the sorrow, and usually, look to the future with a sense of hope. I reminisce, both the good and the bad, and am thankful that I have my family, spouse, parents, and friends. I am thankful for learning, changing, hoping, and believing.

I’ve never known just how hard until yesterday. In reality, the friendship hasn’t existed in over a year. But yesterday, I put closure to it and know for a fact the friendship is over.

A year ago, a very important friend did something that hurt me tremendously. She had hoped to keep it from me, but I found out. The next day, we talked. She told me she was a sh!tty friend, and was sorry. Now, what happened also effected her husband. But, she told me that day that she had no plans to tell him now, or ever. That he could never know. We both cried. She asked if we could ever talk again. I told her I wasn’t sure. That if I felt we could, I’d contact her.

Fast forward to Sept. of this year. I emailed her and asked if we could talk. She came over and I basically told her that I forgave her. That I was still hurt, but forgave her. We did the whole small talk thing, and I asked if her DH knew. He didn’t. I asked her if he had wondered why we weren’t hanging out any more. She told him that I was having some family issues and needed time with my family. (Um, okay… Let’s say that’s true. I need THAT much time away to resolve family issues? Seriously, he can’t believe that. But whatever…) We talked about whether we could rekindle the friendship. She said that I would need to “accept responsibility” to her DH because he was hurt by my absence. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, so I told her I’d get back to her.

We talked once more on the phone, about not much of anything. Then she emailed me in Dec. wanting to connect with me. I sat on the email, unsure of how I wanted to respond.

To be honest, I wanted to say, “Yes!!! Of course!!!” I’ve missed her (and her husband) so much. They love our kids, and our kids loved them. We did so much with them, and planned so much with them (for future stuff). It would have been wonderful to try having them in our lives again. But I just couldn’t. After sitting on the email for over a month, I replied yesterday. I told her we had two options: 1) she came clean to her husband, or 2) we move on. I told her I was not willing to apologize to her husband for something SHE actually did (and should have told him a year ago). I couldn’t/wouldn’t live a lie. I knew which choice she’d make, so writing the email was like closing the door on a very important friendship.

This morning I received a reply. I was right. She’s still not willing to come clean with him. She’s still willing to let her DH think that I’m somehow responsible for our friendship ending. That hurts, almost as much as her hurting me in the first place. But, I knew this would be the case. And yet, it still hurts to read her response. For her to tell me she envied my strength, thanked me for my honesty, and apologized for not having the strength to do the right thing by me. She told me I’ll always be in her heart. And I cried.

I’ve cried on and off all day. And why? Because I loved her. We’d talk about the things we’d do when they had kids. We’d go camping with all the kids. We’d take trips together. We’d watch each other children grow up, and be important people in their lives. And now, no more. This may be a strange analogy, but it’s like breaking up with someone. I’m mourning the friendship, but I’m also mourning the plans, the dreams we had. I know other friends will come along, but I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to invest so much just to see if this friendship will work. And yet, do I really want to be friends with someone who is honest, and is willing to let me take the fall? No. And that’s why I am where I am.

I know I made the right decision. I just wish the decision never had to be made, or that the decision was easy. If it had been easy, it probably was an important friendship to begin with. This is the first friendship I’ve had that has had a hard “end-date”. I’m used to friendships fading away, but not ending abruptly. I don’t think I like it this way…

While giving the kids a bath tonight, Ron tells me that a person from work told him to tell me that website updating everyone on Spencer (our friend’s baby who is in NICU) is not my blog. He told Ron that I had made 3 comments on it already.

Now, the first question is: why does he care? It’s not his baby or his website. He also apparently didn’t know ahead of time that these are friends, not just Ron’s co-worker and wife. (We knew the couple well before he went to work at the same company as Ron, and get together with them.) The other thing is, the site is one of those free ones. You can’t make comments on a specific post; you have to sign the guest book to leave a comment. I have, as mentioned, left 3 comments in the guest book. I am definitely not the only one, and even then, I wanted them to know I was following along, cheering Spencer on, and supporting them. I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Am I wrong here? Did I overstep a boundary by posting 3 times? (He’s been in the hospital since Dec. 26.) And again, why does he care?

Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time with the kids. It started out fun. Dale, Ron, Vetah, and I went tubbing at a local ski hill. I haven’t been tubbing in such a long time! It was pretty fun, and I didn’t get as cold as I thought I would. After, we went out for lunch.

Ron wanted to stay at the ski hill to go snowboarding with Dale. I said sure, why not, go have fun! I was rethinking my decision almost immediately when I got home. Drew had a VERY early nap which wasn’t very long. That equals crabby, tired little boy. Sophia was also tired and crabby. Between the two, I was ready to give up. Drew cried for 45 min. to an hour straight. I tried feeding him, rocking him, putting him back down for a nap, reading books, watching TV–nothing worked! I finally left him crying on the floor by himself. He finally calmed down enough and stopped the crying.

(Funny side note: While I was trying to put Drew back down for a nap, I finally put him on his floor and walked out to deal with Sophia. As I walked out of his room he slammed the door on me. It was hilarious! He did it with a purpose, out of anger. Of course, I didn’t laugh and told him that wasn’t okay. But inside? I was totally laughing!)

It was dinner time and it was a fight. They didn’t want anything except junk. We finally settled on pancakes, but even that was a fight because Sophia wanted to do it all (and it wasn’t safe for her to do so). Based on their behavior, I decided it was time for bath and bed. Getting them upstairs and in the bath was a huge chore, physically and emotionally. Drew and Sophia cried almost the entire time! I needed to wash them both and neither of them wanted it to be done. Ugh.

Moving on to bed time… Drew cried the entire time I was putting his diaper on, lotion on, and pj’s on. Ugh. I knew it was because he was tired, but still. Sophia was not listening and kept touching him, taking his toys, coming into Drew’s room as I was trying to get him down for the night. I was really losing it by then.

I finally got Drew down and went to deal with Sophia. I asked her to get two books to be read, but she didn’t. So I told her I wasn’t reading books that night. She cried; I put on the Read-Along CD for her and left. I just couldn’t deal any more. I was tired and frustrated and knew things would get much worse if I stayed. I decided leaving was the lesser of the two “evils”.

Anyway, it was a bad, bad evening for all of us…except Ron who had a great time. I’ll be happy if this type of night doesn’t occur for another year!!

I’m writing now because I know I won’t do it later. I don’t have much time, however, as the two kids are my responsibility at the moment and are running crazy.

The year hasn’t been too bad. Some really good times, some really crappy times. I guess it’s been much like every other year I’ve had (since having kids). Things that stand out: Drew finally got tubes, Ron and I spent the night away from both kids, Sophia tantrums have increased in quantity and intensity, Sophia is so lovable and funny, but so, so frustrating as she pushes every.boundary.possible. Drew has started talking a bit (not much, but more), my family is not what I once thought it was (for the worse).

I’m sure there is much more, but that sums it up for now. Happy New Year, everybody!!! May it bring you all you want, and more. Peace to all.

I was just getting ready for bed and realized I hadn’t blogged yet today. The horror of it all! All of this for the potential at winning a pimp cup. The things we do…

On a serious note, one of my parents very good friends (some one I would consider an “uncle,” if you will) has been diagnosed with a rare type of cancer. I think they said it was called small cell cancer. At first they thought chemo would help prolong his life for a year and a half or so. Tonight I found out that he has been moved to Hospice and at most has a few months. It’s hard for me to even imagine that. It’s hard for me to even think about him being so sick. He’s either 70 or 71, but from the looks of him you’d think he’s probably mid-60’s. He’s an active guy who would hike the cliffs of Kauai almost daily. (He and his wife live there.) So how does someone like that go from being so active to being so sick? And, it’s sad because I won’t have a chance to see him before he passes. As I said, he lives in Kauai which is an 8.5 hour plane trip from MN. It’s also quite expensive. And then there’s lodging once I get there. My parents used to own a condo on Kauai, but they don’t any more. I’m guessing my parents will fly out to visit in the not too far future. Perhaps I can send photos and a letter with them. It’s not the same, but at least I will have been able to say something.

If you guys could send positive thoughts and prayers to him and his family, I would very much appreciate it. Pray that he doesn’t suffer too much, that he has the strength to help his family with his passing. Pray that his family finds the strength in themselves and with each other to get through this. Pray that they may find peace and comfort among each other and their friends. I just can’t even imagine…

(It almost doesn’t seem right to add this to this post, but… It’s Dec. 30 at 10:55 pm CST.)