A Bit of Cyn

A while back I wrote about a friendship that had ended. It was a very hard decision, and one that I thought was the best thing for myself and my family. I have reconsidered.

Ron and I have been in therapy for a while now. During our last session, we talked about this and how hard it has been for me. I wanted to talk about the decision I made, and whether I over reacted or not. During the session I realized she made a decision that would save her marriage. She did what she had to do at the time. While I may not have agreed with her decision, it was hers to make. I also understand that if she had been forthcoming with the information, it may have caused more harm. I really do understand that now.

I received a mass email from her, providing an update on her pregnancy. The email got me thinking even more. I talked with Ron about it, and how sad I still am about not being a part of her life, or her a part of mine. He finally said to me, “Why don’t you just ask her to lunch and see how it goes from there?” And I thought, you know, he’s right. This is silly. I’m so sad about not being her friend. I miss her, I truly do.

So, I put myself out there once again. I sent her an email asking her to lunch. (Though with her baby due May 20, and a possible c-section on May 1, it may not be possible any time soon.) I’m nervous, waiting for her response. I realize there’s a chance she’ll not be ready to repair our relationship. Though I’m hopeful that she will want to repair it. I already know the relationship between her husband and Ron and I will never be repaired. And that saddens me as well.

When’s the last time you put yourself out there, and took a personal risk?

For the last few days I’ve had a sore throat. It wasn’t been horribly sore, but sore enough. I figured I was just getting a cold since, you know, I just HAD strep. So I let it go for a few days.

Yesterday I started having more fatigue and body ache. But I think I was still in denial that it could be anything more. Today I decided it was worth the time and money to just go see if it was strep or not. I kind of was thinking it might be, but again, how could it be?

They called me about 25 min. after my appt. to tell me it was positive. *sigh…* Again?! Seriously, people, I haven’t had strep since I was in Jr. High, then I get it twice in one month. The joys of parenthood, for sure. I’ve started the antibiotics, so only 23 hours until I am no longer contagious. (And I will publicly apologize to all of the people who get strep from me walking around for DAYS being contagious without knowing.)

The kids are going in this evening to get tested. The nurses theory (and mine) is that Sophia is the carrier. It’s been cycling through her room and someone was diagnosed with it earlier this week. Being a carrier means she has the bacteria, but no symptoms. She then gives it to me, and I get the symptoms!

What makes this all worse is that we had plans for this whole weekend! Sophia was supposed to spend the night with my sister tonight. (And still will if she tests negative, but I’m not optimistic.) Tomorrow morning the kids were going to dye eggs with their cousin. They’ll still dye them tomorrow, just without their cousin. Then we were going to have dinner at my parents with Ron’s sister, her boyfriend, her daughter, and their son. We’ll all have been on antibiotics for 24 hours at that point, but I’m guessing his sister will not want to be around us that soon after. We’ll see. At least we’ll all be fine for Easter dinner on Sunday!

But really, this just sucks.

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who had her first baby 3 months ago. Some of you may remember me writing about her; their baby was born with a defect and was in NICU for several weeks. They have been home for two months now, and were ready for visitors. I was so excited to see her and her baby. And, it was so much fun!!

While there (and after I left) I couldn’t help but relive my life as a mom. I thought about my first positive pregnancy test, my first OB appt., my u/s, the first movements, and the birth of my first child. (I also thought about all of these with my second, as well.) Not only did I think about them, I felt them. I felt the nervousness, the joy, the excitement, the fights with DH, the internal talk of “what-if”, “will I be good enough”, and I felt the complete sadness. While the joy and excitement is what I feel/think about every day, yesterday I felt the complete sadness.

After Sophia’s birth, I suffered PPD. But I didn’t recognize/get treated until she was 7 months old. During that time, I cried nearly two times a day. Sophia had reflux, only I didn’t know it for 8 weeks. So I had a baby who cried a lot, wanted to be held, ate all the time, and did I mention cry a lot? Since she was my first, I thought this was normal. Don’t all kids cry all the time, spit up all the time, and want to be held all the time? Don’t they all stay awake for hours in the night crying regardless of what the parents do? I thought so!

I was so tired, so exhausted. I wanted my old life back. I wanted to leave my child with someone and run away. And of course, I felt so guilty thinking this. And that made me feel even worse. I never wanted to be alone with my child, so when Ron returned to work, I would go to my parents daily. I would sit at the door just waiting for Ron to come home so I could hand her off to him. I had a friend who came once a week to just hold her, and be with us. I lived each moment of the day just waiting for someone to rescue me.

Even now, I am so sad about this experience. I am so sad that I refused to get help until she was 7 months old. I was breastfeeding and didn’t want to take anything because I didn’t want her to be effected. But now, I wish I had done something. I wish someone had MADE me do something. (Though I know this wasn’t possible.) For a while I had no idea that I would feel this way. But after having Drew, and knowing how different the experience could be, I started feeling this way.

I know I can’t change history. I can’t change my experience, and I am hopefully that this experience will benefit me, and others, at some point. (I’d hate to think there was no lesson to be learned from it!) But it still makes me sad. I see new moms loving their “new” job, and I feel sad that I didn’t feel that way with Sophia. She deserved better. I deserved better.

My friend is having some of these similar experiences. I’m not sure how much I can/want to talk with her about getting some help/relief. Her husband doesn’t understand her feelings (and really, how could he when so much of it is dictated by hormones?), so she isn’t addressing it with him. I hope she does.

Then, there is a person who was once a very important friend to me. Something in particular happened which caused us to no longer be friends. Even now, it makes me sad. I miss her. I miss her husband. I miss the relationship. But, because of what happened, I just [i]can’t[/i] be her friend. And that is so hard for me. Especially since they are expecting their first child in 6 weeks. It makes me very, very sad.

Conflicting with that sadness, I am angry. What happened was done when Drew was 6 months old. (Those of you who have had a 6 month old understand mom isn’t very confident at this point…for the most part. Or at least, I wasn’t.) So part of me wants to tell her, when her son is 6 months old, to think about what happened to me. Then let me know how SHE feels to have this happen to her when she has a 6 month old. Though, even if this does happen, and she has a better understanding, it wouldn’t change anything. I still wouldn’t be able to get past the hurt. I have forgiven her, told her this as well, but I just can’t move forward in the friendship.

And yet, I still mourn. I mourn the lose of this friendship, the lose of what I [i]thought[/i] first time motherhood would be like. Life doesn’t have any “do-overs”; you might get a second chance, but you don’t get a do-over. So I learn to mourn, to accept those things that I cannot change. I feel the sorrow, and usually, look to the future with a sense of hope. I reminisce, both the good and the bad, and am thankful that I have my family, spouse, parents, and friends. I am thankful for learning, changing, hoping, and believing.