A Bit of Cyn

I’ve never known just how hard until yesterday. In reality, the friendship hasn’t existed in over a year. But yesterday, I put closure to it and know for a fact the friendship is over.

A year ago, a very important friend did something that hurt me tremendously. She had hoped to keep it from me, but I found out. The next day, we talked. She told me she was a sh!tty friend, and was sorry. Now, what happened also effected her husband. But, she told me that day that she had no plans to tell him now, or ever. That he could never know. We both cried. She asked if we could ever talk again. I told her I wasn’t sure. That if I felt we could, I’d contact her.

Fast forward to Sept. of this year. I emailed her and asked if we could talk. She came over and I basically told her that I forgave her. That I was still hurt, but forgave her. We did the whole small talk thing, and I asked if her DH knew. He didn’t. I asked her if he had wondered why we weren’t hanging out any more. She told him that I was having some family issues and needed time with my family. (Um, okay… Let’s say that’s true. I need THAT much time away to resolve family issues? Seriously, he can’t believe that. But whatever…) We talked about whether we could rekindle the friendship. She said that I would need to “accept responsibility” to her DH because he was hurt by my absence. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, so I told her I’d get back to her.

We talked once more on the phone, about not much of anything. Then she emailed me in Dec. wanting to connect with me. I sat on the email, unsure of how I wanted to respond.

To be honest, I wanted to say, “Yes!!! Of course!!!” I’ve missed her (and her husband) so much. They love our kids, and our kids loved them. We did so much with them, and planned so much with them (for future stuff). It would have been wonderful to try having them in our lives again. But I just couldn’t. After sitting on the email for over a month, I replied yesterday. I told her we had two options: 1) she came clean to her husband, or 2) we move on. I told her I was not willing to apologize to her husband for something SHE actually did (and should have told him a year ago). I couldn’t/wouldn’t live a lie. I knew which choice she’d make, so writing the email was like closing the door on a very important friendship.

This morning I received a reply. I was right. She’s still not willing to come clean with him. She’s still willing to let her DH think that I’m somehow responsible for our friendship ending. That hurts, almost as much as her hurting me in the first place. But, I knew this would be the case. And yet, it still hurts to read her response. For her to tell me she envied my strength, thanked me for my honesty, and apologized for not having the strength to do the right thing by me. She told me I’ll always be in her heart. And I cried.

I’ve cried on and off all day. And why? Because I loved her. We’d talk about the things we’d do when they had kids. We’d go camping with all the kids. We’d take trips together. We’d watch each other children grow up, and be important people in their lives. And now, no more. This may be a strange analogy, but it’s like breaking up with someone. I’m mourning the friendship, but I’m also mourning the plans, the dreams we had. I know other friends will come along, but I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to invest so much just to see if this friendship will work. And yet, do I really want to be friends with someone who is honest, and is willing to let me take the fall? No. And that’s why I am where I am.

I know I made the right decision. I just wish the decision never had to be made, or that the decision was easy. If it had been easy, it probably was an important friendship to begin with. This is the first friendship I’ve had that has had a hard “end-date”. I’m used to friendships fading away, but not ending abruptly. I don’t think I like it this way…

Caught in the act!, originally uploaded by cynandron.

On Sunday, the kids were upstairs playing together. Since we didn’t hear screaming or crying, we assumed all was well; until I heard water splashing. I yelled up asking Sophia what they were doing. She told me they were playing in the water.

Confused, I wondered up there to see what was really happening. It seems they really WERE playing in the water…the tub water! As I was walking up the stairs, I heard Sophia say, “This water is cold!” (I chuckled a bit at that statement.)

Our babysitter left the water in the tub the night before. The kids decided to play in it. Sophia got undressed, then helped Drew get undressed (diaper included). Sophia decided it was too cold, so she got out and started draining the tub. Drew, on the other hand, didn’t really care. He was just happy to playing in the water.

It was all so funny and cute, I couldn’t help but take a picture! Sophia made it out just in time to avoid having her picture taken, too.

Not to worry, Ron promptly refilled the tub and the kids got to play in the tub.

Telling me to get off the computer and start cleaning!

Our house is a wreck. No, seriously, a wreck. Our playroom is a hazard. I almost killed myself trying to get to the diapers this morning. The kids could probably get lost in that room. If we had a fire, we’d have to run around the room because there’s so much crap all over! I really need to get motivated to do stuff. I just haven’t had it lately.

Our laundry is piling up. I think we’ll be out of clothes tomorrow if I don’t do something about it. Our towels and swimsuits from Wed. night were still laying around, wet, needing to be washed. Two loads of clean clothes have been sitting in their baskets for multiple days.

The only thing I’ve kept up with is dishes. Emptying the dishwasher, and filling it on a daily basis.

I think it’s time to get off my ass and get moving. So if you come by here, tell me to do something!!

We had our official weigh-in last night. I’ve lost 2.5 lbs. in the first week. I was hoping for 3 or 4, but I can’t complain too much. In fact, I should be pretty darn happy about losing 2.5! (One lady didn’t lose any, and another only lost 0.5 — though, she admitted to eating pizza twice that week.) My goal for this next coming week is 2 lbs. but I think that might be a bit optimistic. We shall see…

In some ways the dieting thing is getting easier. I’ve gotten into a routine of preparing the snacks and lunch for both Ron and I the night before. It makes it so much easier to just grab what I’m supposed to eat during the day rather than having to weigh it all out before I eat it. Grocery shopping is horrific, however. I’m spending SO much on groceries. But, we aren’t eating out now, so I’m sure it’s close to a wash.

I did well working out this past week. I worked out 5 times last week and that is my goal again this week. I work out 4 times a week at Curves, then use the elliptical machine at home one day over the weekend. If I get really motivated, I may try to do the elliptical on tomorrow as well. We’ll see.

I’m trying hard to stay focused and motivated. I see that this is helping (from the scale), but now I’m looking for a noticeable change in my clothes or something. There are several times a day when I want to say screw it. But doing that is really just sabotaging myself and my health. So I’m trying with all my might to stay focused. I certainly helps that Ron is doing it as well. I couldn’t imagine doing this while he sits down to eat a pizza or Taco*Bell.

Another health moment update: I have been soda free for a week now! Not even a little sip. This also means that I have been caffeine free for a week. This is huge for me!

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be.

So I read that book last night to Sophia. I’m not sure it was my first time reading it, but it sure struck a chord with me. I even struggled a couple times to read it without crying. (I wasn’t ready to explain why I was crying.)

At first I was like, “Oh, I can totally understand/appreciate that!” Then I thought it was kind of funny that she was still rocking him as an adult. (And, how did she pick him up? He had to be heavy! And he never woke up? I want that child!)

At the end, the mom calls. She’s sick and tells him he should probably come over. He goes over and she starts the poem, but “can’t” finish. (Did she die? I think perhaps.) The son picks up his mom and rocks her, saying the poem to her.

It rocked me to the core. All I could think about was my mom and/or dad dying. Let’s face it, they aren’t getting any younger. And, anything could happen to end any of our lives at any point. But I’m not ready to face this huge loss in my life. My parents are so special to me, to my family. I can’t fathom how deep of a loss this will be, for me, for my kids, for my siblings.

When the son is done with his mom, he goes back home, goes into his baby daughters room, picks her up, rocks her, and says the poem to her. It was the sweetest thing. Life starting a new. Again, tears in my eyes. Such a sweet memory to pass along to another generation.

Tonight, Sophia was fake crying in her room. I asked her what was wrong, and she didn’t answer. I asked her if she need some attention and she said yes. We talked for a little bit. Before I left, she wanted a “big hug” — her words. When she finishes, I look at her and say, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” She looked right into my eyes and smiled. She said, “That’s from Grandma’s book. I like that book.” What could I do but hug her again and tell her I love her? (And Drew, too.)

How’s that for interesting, eh? Nothing like a title that just sucks you in with interest and suspense, eh? LOL

Seriously though, not much happening in my life right now. On the health front, I’ve completed my third day of the new diet. I’ve cheated in that I had a bite of a twix*bar (just one, small bite) and ate about 8 pieces of Life cereal. BUT, that’s all the cheating I’ve done. I have NOT had a pop (most importantly, I have not had a Mt. Dew). This means I have gone three whole days without caffeine! Woohoo!

And for the record, I’m okay with the cheating I’ve done. The point is to learn to eat better and take better care of myself. I’m kidding myself and everyone else if I think I’m going to make it through the 6 weeks without cheating. At least I didn’t eat a whole pint of ice cream! Oh, and I did workout today.

Drew is in some kind of funk lately. Every day around dinner, the kid melts down. I mean MELTS DOWN! He is fine when I pick him up from daycare, but the minute we’re in the house it begins. I think I’ve figured out that he’s starving when he gets home, which is strange because they have an afternoon snack, then they have snacks for the kids to eat on the way home. But I couldn’t figure out what else it was. So today I had yogurt waiting for him the minute he walked in. Then he ate cheese, then a whole bunch of raspberries. I think I was right; he’s been hungry! At least now I know what needs to happen.

My dad was in Saudi Arabia this past week on work. He sent an email to my brother and I tonight saying there is a lot of business for us (the company the three of us own and work for) over there! This is pretty exciting. If all goes well, and my dad retires from the U of MN, and takes the current job offer at another university, he’ll have the time needed to work on these other projects. How cool is that?! It could be good money for us, great experience for us, and I may even get to travel there!! Of course, none of this is firm, so it could never happen. We’ll see…

Told ya I didn’t have a whole lot to say!

And if I don’t write about it now, I may just give into temptation. It’s not that I’m hungry, it’s just that I’m craving some junk food. Food that is enjoyable to eat as I watch TV. Food that keeps me awake so I can watch/play with the kids. I have a headache and am tired, and those two things usually lead to me eating my “comfort” foods. But so far, I have resisted. Even when the kids at Mac&Cheese, I resisted (while I ate 3 cups of Spinach - not so good if you ask me). I haven’t finished my lunch, partly because I’m not interested in it and party because I’m not real hungry.

I was hoping to work out while Drew slept, but I don’t think it’ll happen. I’m just too tired. I may lay down on the couch while I let Sophia watch TV. I’m just soo tired. It didn’t help that I had to get up 2 am to give Sophia a nebulizer treatment. She was coughing and coughing. When I listened to her breath I could hear her wheezing. After the treatment, I heard her have one coughing spell, then back to sleep she went. So at least it was helpful! Then Drew woke up at 4 am and he just screamed harder when I went in and then left. Then Ron went in. Drew screamed once, then went to sleep. I do believe I’ve lost “the” touch for getting him to bed. Ah well. It’s all good, except when Ron leaves for a week in Feb.!

So this is totally full of ramblings. But it’s kept me away from the junk food for the time being, so it’s all good.

For my records (and just to share because I’m too excited), Drew peed in the toilet tonight!! He said something that sounded like potty, so I asked him if he had to go. He nodded yes and ran to the bathroom door. I figured what the heck, why not? So I took off his pants and diaper, sat him on the toilet, and…he went!!

He then proceeded to wipe himself. Guess he watches females a lot. LOL

Note: I do NOT, I repeat, do NOT expect this to happen any time again real soon.

What a long weekend we had here. Ron, Drew, Sophia, and I all had a nasty cold. Drew was well enough to go to daycare yesterday, thank goodness. The rest of us were not so lucky. (Ron had the day off anyway, but we all spent time recovering.) I hate being sick with sick kids.

In other happenings, I’ve started the Curves 6-week Weight Solution today. I had my first group meeting yesterday and got some useful information. I think the two biggest challenges I’ll have is giving up pop and not snacking with the kids. You actually eat quite a bit of food and fairly often so I don’t think hunger will be an issue. It does require some advanced planning, but I should be able to do most of it the night before (when the kids are in bed). Ron’s doing it as well, so that helps. We’ll have each other for support and to resist temptation. If all goes well, I should be at (or very close) to my target weight by the end of the 6 weeks. Yippeee!

I know I’m jinxing it, but what the heck. Drew has now slept through the night 3 (count them, THREE) nights in a row!! No need to give him a pacifier, no need to nurse him (which I haven’t been doing anyway since Ron’s been getting up with him) no cuddles, no rocking. It’s been WONDERFUL! And the other cool part? Sophia hasn’t gotten out of bed those three nights either. (She was coming into our bed at night for a while.) So we have been able to sleep through the night. Ah, sleep.

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In other Drew news, I am no longer nursing Drew at all. I nursed my last child for the last time about about a week ago. I nursed Drew for 19 months which is 6 months longer than I did with Sophia. He’s given it up well, and my body has done great as well. It’s a bittersweet time. I’m glad to no longer be tied to him in the evenings, but I will miss his sweet eyes staring at me and his gentle touch as he plays with my bracelet. But, isn’t the point of having children to raise them to be independent? Well here’s another step towards that!