A Bit of Cyn

I’m not sure what to write about. I feel as though I’ve neglected my blog, and in a way, myself. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. Nothing in my every day life seems interesting enough to blog about. Who wants to continually read about what my kids did/said today? I mean, isn’t there more to life than the kids? Some times it doesn’t feel like it.

Maybe that’s where I should start. Do you ever feel like you are only a parent? That you are no longer an individual? Well, that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been doing contract work, but it’s so hit or miss. Most of the work is tedious and busy-work. So I don’t feel fulfilled from it. (Though the extra money is nice.) I haven’t hung out with my friends in a long time. (Wait, do I still have friends? Off to check…) So I don’t feel needed/fulfilled in that respect either. Ron and I have been, well, distant for a month or so now. There’s nothing “wrong” we just haven’t been connecting. (Being honest here, most of this is probably because I feel so distant from myself. I feel myself pulling away from him. I’m unhappy with me, so why would he be happy with me?)

I’ve been feeling so unmotivated lately, so tired. I stare at the mess in my house and shrug. Who cares? I could sit and eat a whole package of cookies and think to myself, “Why are you eating this crap?!” Yet, eat the whole package any way. I’m so unhappy that I’m not even making myself care about myself. How sad is that? I just felt the guilt of not having done the diabetes test after Drew’s birth (since I had Gestational Diabetes). I mean, I NEED to start taking better care of myself. So, I’m having the test done on Monday. Along with getting my thyroid checked and my heboglobin (sp?) checked. Oh, and the doctor increased my meds. I’ve also promised to go back once I stop nursing so we can switch my meds.

Which brings me to another internal conflict… I was so certain I’d be so close to being done with nursing by now. I weaned Sophia when she was 13 months. It was really quite easy; she never had an issue with it! Drew is now 13 months and for a while, he was only nursing twice a day (before bed and in the middle of the night). But, he’s upped it recently. I think he’s back to nursing like 4 times a day. I just don’t have the energy to enforce the weaning. So I give in and nurse him. Part of me thinks, big deal! It’s nutritious, it comforts him, and helps me burn calories! The other part of me says, I so just want my body back. I don’t want to continue getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. I want to get back on my other meds for the depression. He’s old enough, he should be eating more table foods. Oh, the internal conflict. I think it’s a never-ending cycle for parents. (The other at the moment: Why isn’t Drew talking yet? Sophia said a couple words by now. I know, I know…each child is different.)

So, I’ll be spending this weekend trying and trying to feel better, be better, and do better. I’ll increase my meds, get my blood checked on Monday, and just try to keep going…

This past weekend the family went to Dale’s house in WI. I was surprised at how well the kids did on the drive up there (it’s 2 hours away). Drew slept, Phia talked and stared. After getting there and eating lunch, we headed to the lake for some waterskiing. Again, I was amazed at how well the kids behaved. Last year, Phia cried the whole time and we had to cut it short. This year? She smiled, laughed, asked everyone if they were okay when they fell, and told us we did a good job when each of us was done. It was so cute. She looked so cute, and was so happy! Drew? He HATED the life jacket. His face was all pushed up and he looked uncomfortable. He had to be held the entire time (for safety) and he didn’t enjoy that much either.

After everyone was done skiing we decided to go to a beach so Phia could swim. On the way there we noticed the dark clouds hanging above. We decided we needed to skip the beach and head back to the dock instead. Full speed ahead!! Unfortunately, we didn’t beat the rain. Then it started hailing, while we are in the boat, in the middle of the lake! With two small kids! I put both kids under the glove box and sat towards the outside. Dale, Ron, and Amanda worked to put the cover on. And there we sat for about 10 min. waiting for the rain to let up. It finally did. It was an interesting experience to say the least. Both kids, again, suprised me with how well they did. Niether of them were scared or crying. Phia just wanted to know what happened and why.

We all slept in one room that night, which is a first for us! It was stressful. Drew started falling asleep, only to have Sophia wake him with her signing (which was like yelling). Then Phia started falling asleep just to have Drew cry and wake her up. This went on until almost 11 pm! And of course, Drew woke bright and early at 6:30 am. I was sooo tired.

Yesterday we went to a park where the kids could play in a fountain area. They had a blast there! I wish we had something like that around here. It was nice to not have to worry about Drew going under the water, yet he could get wet and have fun. From there we headed home. Drew napped for about 20 min. on the way home. Otherwise the kids played a bit together, and alone with toys. Again, I was surprised how well it went. Which is nice since we’ll be doing it again in 2 weeks.

It was so nice to be home, though. It’s nice to have the kids back in their environment, not worrying too much about what they are doing or getting into. And, it was really nice for them (and us) to all be back in our/their own rooms/beds.

All in all, we had a nice weekend and it was fun! We’re looking forward to giving it another go in a couple weeks. (My whole family is going up there for the weekend. My brother and SIL bought a condo on the same lake that our friend has his boat on. Cool!!!)

That is the word I would use to describe how Drew goes to sleep at night and for naps. We take him upstairs and get him ready. We try rocking him and singing to him, but he fights it. He wants to get down, out of our arms. So we put him in the crib because we KNOW he’s tired. What does he do? Rolls onto his side or stomach and goes to sleep without a peep. Seriously. It is amazing!

Why is it amazing? Because for the last 3 years we have fought to put Sophia to sleep. Even now it is a struggle. She does NOT like to go to sleep. Never has. She has an energy about her that does not want or need sleep. (Okay, so we know she does, but she thinks she doesn’t.) Also, until about a month ago, this was not the case for Drew. We’d have to walk, rock, or nurse him to sleep. Ron wanted me to do CIO and I just couldn’t. Then one day, in my own frustration, I put him in the crib. And? He just fell asleep. All on his own. Again, it was amazing.

a baby comes out!” Yes, a real quote from my 3 year old daughter. Man, I hope she’s not right or we might be having lots of babies around here. But, I thought it was pretty cute (and sort of true; the tummy area DOES ache when in labor).

We’ve been trying to convince Sophia to wear her leg braces, but she’s not real excited. We told her that if she wears them they will help her run faster and not fall as much. (The falling part is true, but not so sure about the running part.) She’ll wear them for about an hour a night, while watching Dora on Ron’s computer (and sitting on his lap). At this rate, she’ll be a teenager before we notice any changes. Ugh…

Sophia and Drew are beginning to play even more together. It’s so cute. Drew just laughs and laughs, that real belly laugh. I love it. Phia just has to scream with a smile at him and he laughs. She’ll run away from him and he’ll laugh while chasing her. She’ll lay on top of him (all the while ignoring our pleas to get off of him now) and he’ll laugh. He’ll lay on top of her and he’ll laugh. They’ll play peek-a-boo and he’ll laugh. It melts my heart… Which is good because other wise I’d go crazy with watching them fight over toys, my attention, etc.

I’m really feeling like our family is complete. I don’t have that “need” to have another one, like I did after Sophia. I gave Ron the go ahead to have the vasectomy. His response, “Let’s wait a little longer.” Um, what? He says he wants to be sure I am sure. I am sure. If I got pregnant now, I would cry. It would be hard to accept. I would love that child as much as I love my others. But it would sure change my plans and expectations for the future. So I’m ready to make the big decision. Now I have to wait for Ron to be ready.

And honestly, I couldn’t be happier. Drew’s fever seems to have finally broke. He had one during the night, felt a bit warm this morning, but now, he’s running around, playing, babbling, and getting in trouble, just like he should. It is such a relief. I was about in tears on Friday. He just cried, and cried, and cried. I was tired (really, exhausted) and just about at my breaking point. Fortunately, just when I was about to lose it, Dale walks in the house. Drew immediately walked over to him and stopped crying. Honestly, it was just the break I needed.

(I did take him to the doctor, though I knew what they would tell me. I was right. It’s some wonderful upper respitory virus. Fever, runny nose, congestion. No coughing, ears look great, breathing is fine, urine isn’t foul smelling. At least I knew for sure it wasn’t his ears.)

And, the sickness took away working time!! I had (wait, still have) work that needs to be done by Monday. I could have worked on it Thursday while the kids should have been in daycare. But since Drew was still sick, he couldn’t go. Friday my parents were supposed to watch Drew so I could do the work. Instead, my dad met with his employer to tell them that he was going to retire. So, that was shot. That means I get to spend my weekend time (MY time, my FAMILY time) doing this work. Ugh…

So far, Sophia has avoided the sickness, as have Ron and I. *knocks on wood* It would suck to get what he had. I washed all our sheets (including the parents) since Drew slept with me the last few nights. I washed them in the Sanitary cycle to be sure all the bugs were killed!

DH and I are hoping the kids go to bed at a reasonable time tonight. We went to the liquor store and got some adult-type drinks. We’d love to sit on the porch, drink in hand, spending time alone together. It’s been a long time since we’ve done this. (And a really long time since I’ve drank! I think probably about 2 years!!) I’m trying not to get my hopes up, as the kids rarely go to bed at a reasonable time together. (One will, the other won’t. They take turns!)

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, everyone!!

I have a 1 year old who is ill. Need I say more? He’s had a fever since Tues. night, running up to 103.5. It’ll go down with Mo*trin, then work its way back up before the next dose can be given. This makes for long days and longer nights. He’s miserable with the medicine wears off. I know it’s just a virus, but, gah, I’m ready for it to be gone!

My dad had eye surgery yesterday. If all goes well he may be able to see without wearing his glasses. And, he may be able to drive again. If it doesn’t go well, he’ll never be able to read again. (He’s legally blind without his glasses, and even with glasses can only see 20/80.) The true results won’t be known for about a month.